At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
