I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
