perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
this is an emotional support booty call
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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