Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize