Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
