So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
