All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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