My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
