when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
