hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
