Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
