I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
