if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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