you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
