He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
