I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
