How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
