Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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