Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
