Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
