Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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