i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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