The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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