I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
