You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
