I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
