Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Randomize
