I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I could fuck to npr.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
