JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
