The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
