Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize