it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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