Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
