your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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