where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
