exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
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