good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
