I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Randomize
