PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
