I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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