I'm lost and stupid without you.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
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