xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
