true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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