I can text with my tongue
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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