Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
