I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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