So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
