There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize