lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
