he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
