im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
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