yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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