When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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