Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
