Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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