I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
